It is a strange feeling....it is just me now.
Yes, I have my sons, but I don't have any parents. And even though the last 5 years has been more about helping them, they were still there for me. When I really think about it, for most of my life I rebelled against them. I was always fighting with them. That idea is so funny now. Then, later in life, with the help of a therapist I came to understand them. I learned to forgive them and also to appreciate them. I learned that I didn't need to be afraid of my dad anymore and that all my mom really wanted was to be loved. I understood why some of my siblings harbor bad feelings for our parents and it still makes me sad for them because they will never have a chance to make amends with them. But that's another blog!
I discovered my mom yearned to be creative, but she had such low self esteem that she would always second guess herself. She finally found a way to be creative as well as finding purpose when she began to get involved at her church. She made beautiful drapes for the altar.At my dad's funeral, one of the priests made a remark about how she had left her impression there at the church and how when they put up her drapes they are reminded of her. One year she made childrens costumes for a little dance recital I was organizing. The childrens costumes represented different countries and she made them with no patterns. No one could believe the costumes were hand made. How sorry I am that I let the kids keep those costumes.
I was never good at sewing. I desired it, but I didn't have the patience. But that's ok, anytime I need to hem a pair of pants or darn something, I bring out her little sewing box.
When I open the box my senses are filled with her.
In the last 10 years of her life I grew to love and know my mom. We had this funny love/hate thing going. We'd argue about the silliest things for about 5 or 10 minutes and then we would just forget all about it in an instant. At first I could not stand to let her win the argument, but then as I realized I could lose her soon, I started to let her win. But it didn't matter. Because we both knew how stupid we both were being.
My mom liked my late husband Jerry immediately upon meeting him. She knew something I didn't. Well, I didn't come to discover it until right before he passed. Her liking Jerry told me mountains about the kind of person she really was. You see, Jerry was a good guy. The kind that are hard to find. And she knew it as soon as she met him.
My mom has visited me a few times in my dreams. The first one she came to show me that she had found her parents. She was a young girl, maybe 6 or 7 years old. She was holding both of their hands and she was so happy. I was so glad that she had found her peace.
I am certain I will be writing more about her....
Back to my dream with my dad!
In the dream I was dating an African American man. And while that might not be big news, it would be something my parents would not exactly approve of. So, my boyfriend and I were home when we get this surprise visit from my dad. In my dream he is a young man, most likely in his forties. The more I thought about I realized he was around 37 years old when I was born. Maybe this was my first recollection of him...just like in the picture below. He is very happy and calm. And while I thought he was going to be upset when he meets my boyfriend, he is quite the opposite. My dad is very nice to him and he seems genuinely happy for me. Go figure.
The dream sort of took this strange turn and my dad wanted me to help him move some his junk out of the garage. But then he leaves and I am stuck to clean it out myself. Hmmm....funny thing is that almost true to what happened in real life! My dad was a pack rat and when he and my mom moved from their first house they left all their junk! Yikes that was a job....especially for my sons. Oh well...it's all good right?
The other odd thing about the dream is that I asked my dad about mom and whether he had found her. In the dream he didn't seem very concerned about her. Almost a little indifferent. The only thing I could conclude was that perhaps this was a message to me about their individualism. That he loved her but he was his own person. I am not sure about this message. Hopefully time will tell.
I am just so relieved that he came to visit me. I had been a little worried about whether he was at peace yet. I felt bad for him when he was dying. I know he lived a long and good life, but it seemed that he was just beginning to enjoy his bachelorhood and he was talking about things he still wanted to do. Hah! We should be so lucky. In my heart and soul I don't believe he was ready to go. I was worried that he would be lost for awhile until he accepted his passing. But now, I'm glad he is on his new journey.......
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